Paranoia and Writing On

Hello there.

It has been a while. One year and five months to be exact. I've decided to un-abandon this little project simply because I miss writing. Creative writing for now. I'll save my manuscript-love-hate-horror stories for later. 

I'm not really sure if anyone will be reading this. I guess this online diary is more for me and my soul. You see, I need to write to organize and process things. I need to write to sort out my emotions. Which of the many I should dwell on and which I should put a bridle on. If you find this worth your time, then you are most welcome to read and linger for a while.

It's the second day of 2022 and I am suddenly finding myself dreading the thought of planning for the new year. Why you might ask? For one, there is the fear of plans not pushing through again, of failed expectations, and disappointments - again. I wonder if you are feeling the same dread as I am?

For weeks, I've had mini-panic attacks no one knew of (now you know. lol). And to put insult to injury, this was not the best state to be in because hey, it is a new year! You should be jolly. You should be hopeful. Start afresh. Look forward. Let shiz go.

However, I feel shitty. There are so many things that I could not let go of and I do not want to let go of. I'm afraid for 2022. I feel like the world would crumble at any moment. That I would get fired in the next few days. Will I ever finish my Ph.D.? How am I gonna pay for the mortgage? Homeschool? The world is ending and we are all gonna die. Welcome, 2022.

My best friend once told me that I always had a choice: to freeze in fear or to put one foot in front of the other. And I don't like to freeze, of course. I hate the cold.

I don't know what this blog entry is supposed to be about (aside from introducing you to my paranoias), but I am giving myself a pat on the back right this very moment. I have managed to write a few sentences and publish my first entry in almost two years. And I guess that is already one step forward.

I'll see you at the next one?

Amping,

Tinghoy